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Sexual
Fantasies and Relationships
By Elizabeth Schroeder, M.S.W.
Sexual orientation, gender identity, parent-child communication, media and
sexuality.
HSAB Affiliation: Syndicated Contributor.
It’s a familiar story: two people are lying in bed after sharing some kind
of wonderful, intimate sexual act. In the afterglow, one partner turns to
the other and asks, “Honey, what do you think about during sex?” Feeling
safe in that intimate moment, the other partner describes a favorite
fantasy that involves a person both of them know. The first partner says,
“Oh. I only think about you.” Then the problems begin.
Fantasies can give us comfort or relief – as in passing by a swimming pool
on a hot day and fantasizing about jumping in fully clothed. Sexual
fantasies can be wonderful inspirations for sexual arousal. They can
enhance experiences for people whose sexual functioning is limited. They
can inspire powerful moments of self-pleasuring. But when fantasies take
place during shared sexual behaviors, one or both partners can become
threatened. That’s because fantasies are often seen as something that
should take place when we are alone or unpartnered. If we are partnered,
we are allowed to fantasize – but with an unspoken caveat that any fantasy
should involve that partner. Even if we have that intention and begin a
fantasy thinking about our partner, other images are very likely to join
our original thoughts. It’s not something we have control over. It
certainly should not be seen as an indicator of how either partner feels
about the other.
Fantasy does not necessarily equal intention or action. Then again, it
can. That’s what can intimidate so many people. Part of why it is so
intimidating comes from the cultural value that sexual and romantic
relationships must work only “one way.” We are supposed to have one
partner or spouse for our entire lives (which can be 60 years or more). In
that entire time, we are supposed to think only of our partner or spouse,
and no one else? The idea is as unrealistic as it is unhealthy.
Rather than be threatened by fantasies, couples may wish to consider
exploring them more. Fantasies can enhance and even prolong relationships
by allowing one or both partners to explore interests and feelings – in
their own minds, at least – in which their partners may not be interested.
Then again, sharing and exploring these interests together can be a very
powerful, relationship-enhancing experience – at least under two
circumstances.
The first is when the fantasies are shared in thoughtful, caring, and
respectful ways. For example, someone who tells a partner that the only
way she or he can become aroused sexually is by fantasizing during sex is
being insensitive – regardless of whether the statement is true. There are
alternate ways of being truthful without causing emotional harm to another
person. The second is that the fantasy shared is not something that
distresses a partner. For example, someone who is used to a sexual routine
that involves so-called mainstream behaviors, particularly in a long-term
relationship, may be shocked to hear that her or his partner has fantasies
about bondage, cross-dressing, sex with multiple partners, partners of
more than one gender, and more.
The sensitivity has to go both ways, however. A person whose partner
shares fantasies should make every effort to listen before reacting. It is
often uncomfortable to share a fantasy, particularly one that may be
considered by some to be untraditional. Even if a partner hears a fantasy
that is shocking or aversive, she or he should at least take the time to
listen, ask any questions, and think carefully before responding.
Above all, no one should ever pressure or force anyone else to do anything
sexual that they do not want to do. Similarly, no one should engage in a
behavior they are uncomfortable with just to fulfill a partner’s fantasy.
A relationship is about what both people want, not about one person’s
needs. Whenever there is a disagreement in a relationship, couples should
make every effort to negotiate a healthy solution together – and to seek
counseling if they are unable to do so. |
