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Spicing Up Your Sex Life
By Joy Davidson, Ph.D.
A few months ago a couple came to see me for a fairly unusual reason.
Married for 4 years, the working parents of two small children, they both
felt their busy lives had diluted the spice in their sexual relationship,
and they wanted me to help them bring it back. Theirs was not an uncommon
situation at all -- but it’s a rare pair who will actually plunk down the
big bucks for "spice therapy" when the meat and potatoes of marriage –
desire, communication, values, emotional intimacy --- is still hearty and
filling. However, this couple was smart and dedicated; they understood
that as the years roll by, a spirited, playful sexual relationship could
be their most potent inoculation against the inevitable stresses of life.
Like many couples, they were surprised to learn that solid,
orgasm-punctuated bedroom technique is merely a starting point for
exciting sex. Any act, no matter how pleasurable, can grow dull through
repetition. The real secret to spicing up a relationship is adding
generous pinches of anticipation, suspense and surprise in ways that
express one’s evolving sexual style and unique personality.
Here are some of the start-up ideas that worked for my clients. They might
work for you, too -- or just inspire you to create dozens more:
GIVE NEW TWISTS TO OLD STANDARDS
Kiss like you mean it, even when you only have a minute. For her: As
you’re rushing off to work, grab him by the belt, pull him to you and kiss
him as though your very life depended on it. For him: grasp a tangle of
hair and tug a little as you press your mouth hard against hers. Finish
with soft, tender nibbles and murmur, "I love you."
For her: Get a complete Brazilian bikini wax just before a fun night out
on the town. Wear a skirt, but skip the underwear. During dinner, guide
your sweetie’s hand slowly…very slowly… from knee to thigh until his
fingers reach your silky smooth, bare (and probably moist) triangle.
For him: Has foreplay become fore-gotten-play? Reclaim all those fancy
moves you used during courtship to turn her on. Launch a celebration of
pleasure that lasts for hours – and use a blindfold to increase suspense
as she shivers with the question: "what will happen next?"
For her: Scrap your baggy T-shirts and thick robes, turn up the
thermostat, and treat your partner to the delectable sight of you in the
buff doing the most ordinary routines, like combing your hair, brushing
your teeth, making the bed. If you want to go all out, add a pair of very
high heels as you prance about the kitchen making coffee.
MASTER THE WRITTEN WORD
Have cell phone text messaging? Build anticipation by sending your
sweetheart a series of messages throughout the day, letting her/him know
you’re thinking explicitly sexy thoughts. For example: "Imagine I’m
lifting up your skirt and kissing the skin just above the elastic on your
panties...More to come." And later: "I’m peeling your panties down over
your hips and my tongue is leaving a trail across your tummy...More
later."
When one of you is traveling away from home, email the first few lines of
a story that reveals one of your sexual fantasies. Ask your mate to
compose the next paragraph and continue alternating new lines until you’ve
co-written a steamy tale that you can play out, world for word, when
you’re together again.
TANTALIZE WITH TABOO
Take your darling to a crowded dance club where you can undulate to the
music’s tribal beat. Wriggle against one another, run your hands over each
other’s bodies and kiss hungrily right there on the dance floor, in full
public view.
Visit an adult-toy store together and take your time exploring the most
mysterious looking items. Fondle them; imagine yourselves trying them out
-- then pull out your credit cards. No, of course you don’t "need" a cock
ring, a collection of vibrators, a strap on dildo, or a set of restraints,
but stepping outside your comfort zone generates the pungent tension that
turns subtle spice into jalapeno hot sauce.
Make a dream threesome come true – safely -- by visiting a strip club
together and sharing a lap dance. Or reserve time with a chat-host couple
to enjoy a frisky foursome from afar.
GET THEE TO SEX-ED
Even great sexual technique can be enhanced. Remember, knowledge of your
own and your partner’s body is basic, but you can reach advanced levels.
Read aloud from sex-advice books just before bedtime and let the lessons
fill your dreams. Try Kim Cattrall’s Satisfaction for superb diagrams that
make fancy tongue-dancing easy to follow. Check out Abrams and Chia’s The
Multi-Orgasmic Man to gain absolute pleasure and control, or The
Multi-Orgasmic Couple for 10-digit miracle moves. Easton and Hardy’s The
New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book are erotic role-play
must-haves. And don’t forget my own Fearless Sex, to help dash inhibitions
and tap into your erotic "seventh sense."
Staying after school was never like this before! |
